have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
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TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway