Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
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Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES