Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. đź’€
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Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.