*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
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me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Guilty! 🤪
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
*cough*
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.