If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
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I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.