Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.

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CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.


Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?


Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.


Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”


My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.


Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.


I’m like a potato because I’m:

-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter


What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.