Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
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My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.