@trevso_electric

Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.

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@TheTweetOfGod

CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.

@AVenezuelan19

Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?

@twisted_mystic

Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.

@DartsBofficial

Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”

@Faux_Ma

My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.

@jifrulz

Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.

@Tobi_Is_Fab

I’m like a potato because I’m:

-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter

@lmegordon

What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.