i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
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“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.