I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
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[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
I’m putting together a team
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos