If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
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When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too