[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
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90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
it was love at first sight
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
When libraries troll their patrons.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.