[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
You Might Also Like
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
OKAY DAD
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
every single time
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly