me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
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Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Spring of Deception
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.