The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
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Just the best dancing sandwiches.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Don’t frighten the programmers!
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks