LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
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Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
Ape together strong
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!