My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
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[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
FINE, I WON’T.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him