Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
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Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.