“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
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My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
Perfect
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
Denise please return my vape pen
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.