My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
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Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Patron approaches the reference desk.
“Does the library have COVID tests?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have masks for the public?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have gloves?”
“Yes. My turn: do you have COVID?”
“Yes.”
“Well good I’m glad we’re both bringing something to this exchange.”
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
My teenager at school drop off: “DON’T say anything when I get out of the car”
*door opens*
BYE MY SWEETUMS! SHARE PENCILS, NOT GERMS!
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
Who chose this font
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.