My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
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“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
A friend sent me this.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them