8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
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Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
what’s more important?
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[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
Best seat on the street 😍
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Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
If you see a woman over 35 with her chin on her hand looking pensive, she is not deep in thought, she is trying to find that one chin hair that just suddenly appears out of nowhere and is strong enough to anchor a ship.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
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Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.