8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
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me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Realize this:
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again