8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
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6: are snakes just neck?
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!