If you see a woman over 35 with her chin on her hand looking pensive, she is not deep in thought, she is trying to find that one chin hair that just suddenly appears out of nowhere and is strong enough to anchor a ship.
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Good morning!
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Bro is the definition of a new yorker 😭 😭
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
unironically true. mcdonalds ice cream machines are made by Taylor Company, which prohibits mcdonalds locations from repairing the machines, so they have to call Taylor to have them fixed for a fee. the machine’s purpose is not to make ice cream, its purpose is to need repairs
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Just did a big green poo by a canal
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
Turns out I’m awesome at meditation. The instructor said she normally spends a lot of time helping new students learn to empty their minds, but in my case that isn’t necessary.