Had a dream I was in Japan with Draco Malfoy and he asked if I wanted a cookie and I said no and he was all, “my father will hear about this”
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If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
We’re all still reeling from the events yesterday. Here’s what we know:
-I got an everything bagel w/ chive cream cheese at 10:30am
-I went to the park at 10:39
-I put my bagel down to take a pic of a squirrel I think I’ve met before
-Bagel went missing at 10:40More info soon.
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
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I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
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“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
I’m trying to write.
My wife is pounding with a hammer in the garage.
I’m trying to write.
The dog is barking at the hammer noise.
I’m trying to write.
Kids next door are playing football and screaming “Omaha! Omaha!”, apparently their next big play.
…I’m trying to write.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
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At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵