If Olive Garden wanted to give me an authentic Italian meal that reminds me of my mother’s cooking, someone should come out from the kitchen and hit me with a wooden spoon
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5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
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Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two![]()
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
I kinda want a boyfriend but then where will I put my purse when I drive?
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back