I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
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[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Cool shirt 🙂
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
i did the math
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man