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My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me