Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
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Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Always…
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana