I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
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What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.