Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
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My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist