[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
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ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Happy Caturday!
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.