I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!

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if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you


Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?


I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.


*kneels to pray*

“Hello, God?”
“Who is this?”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”


Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.


And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”


Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?


*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*


At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground