@TravLeBlanc

I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!

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@eye_spyder

if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you

@myonlymizztake

Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?

@jjhartinger

I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.

@UncleDuke1969

*kneels to pray*

“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”

@girlontapas

Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.

@Reverend_Scott

And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”

@thedad

Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?

@Gre_Gone

*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*

@WheelTod

At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground