A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
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Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.