“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
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She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“