Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
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At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
The honesty is refreshing
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”