M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
You Might Also Like
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
I have a new favorite meme page
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel