I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
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*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”