Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
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There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.