Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
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*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
Doctors texting each other.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
Y’all ready for this
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!