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Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it鈥檚 a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it鈥檚 a b-
me: himbert
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Your friends will stand by you even when you鈥檙e at your worst because people are stupid
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
The weather is turning so I鈥檝e swapped out my daughter鈥檚 summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son鈥檚 shorts for his other shorts.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
It鈥檚 so disappointing when you visit someone鈥檚 house for the first time, and they don鈥檛 have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
I could鈥檝e been a doctor. OK, so I don鈥檛 have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Hyena: what鈥檚 my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i鈥檓 Ena : )
God: that-that鈥檚 not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i鈥檓 Ena : )
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants