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My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
Are we there yet?…
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.