My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
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WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*