WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
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POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.