One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
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*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.