“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
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Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Care for your back
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert