one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
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She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Education is vital
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant