my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
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I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Important
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..