little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
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It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.