I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
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“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Still laughing at this stupid meme
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
I know karate and tons of other words.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.