I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
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doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet