Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
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90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.