If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
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It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”