“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
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Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
*aggressively waits in line*
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…